We will be going to court on Tuesday. 4 days. Holy cow. How did we get here, and where has October gone? I thought it fitting that before we go to court, I write a letter to the kids for them to (hopefully) read one day.
Laiken and Issak,
Our lives have been forever changed since the day you walked through our door. I remember those shy smiles and uneasy laughs so well. I cannot imagine what it felt like to have your world rocked and turned upside down, within a 5 hour window. The chaos that ensued, the fear and uncertainty that went with it. As I listened to the professionals detail why you were with us, tears streaming down my face, I could only pray that God had a reason for choosing us. We didn't know anything about parenting; we just knew that sending you to a random foster family wasn't the right choice. Here we were at 10pm after everyone left, while you sat and ate cheerios in your pjs at our kitchen table, looking at each other like, now what??
We've experienced quite the roller coaster of emotions. We've done all kinds of exciting things. New adventures to the zoo, beach, pool, trick-or-treating, birthday parties...kid stuff. Fun stuff. We've worked through the junk. Fears, anxiety, potty-training, illness, health stuff... We've cried together over the horrendous parts of your past that you've shared. But that's part of you. That's something that God will use in a mighty day later on. Every night when you're fast asleep, we take a peek in, and pray prayers that you'll remember how to be a kid, and forget all the fears and worries of your past. You are both fearfully and wonderfully made. Don't ever forget that.
I remember the first time you called us "mommy and daddy". I cried that night. We both did, actually. My heart was quite sure that you'd stay with us forever, from very early on. Your daddy knew too, but he's the more rational of us. I was ready to just take the bull by the horns and take care of the legalities after about six months. He kept wanting to wait, and at the time, I just really didn't understand. After much prayer, I knew God was doing something mighty, so I decided to just go with it, and let your daddy lead our family. God's timing is always perfect, and I know that He used that extra year we've been waiting to mold our family. We've bonded, loved, and laughed more lately than ever.
There's always a constant roller coaster of emotions. Learning how to harness your emotions in a healthy way was one of our top priorities in the beginning. You've done so well! I'm sorry to say that with our story, comes lots of chaos. Chaos of expectations from people I never thought I'd have in my life. DCS, court, therapists, health professionals...we've learned that when they call, we just drop everything for them. I cannot WAIT until we don't have that black cloud looming over us. I'm sorry for missing all of the important school events because of work and court meetings for the adoption. I'm sorry for letting you down when you wanted us to be at your class field trips and parties. I'm sorry for working most of the summer and not truly being able to just take time with you. I'm sorry that afternoons during the school week turn into you doing homework while I cook, then dinner, bath, books, and bed.
But I'm not sorry. Sort of. See, all of those life events ARE important, and it pains us to miss so many things that you want us at. But our meetings are unfortunately top priority right now. You both know we have to work, but usually those days off in-between are taken up with DCS or therapy or court or or or...the list goes on. We WANT to be there, but we're trying to finish this for good. To be able to be a forever family. Our hearts break when we see the disappointment in your faces. We can only hope and pray that one day later, you'll understand the sacrifices we're making for you.
We love you so very much, and only want the best for you. God used you two in mighty ways. We never imagined becoming parents to a 4 and 5 year old after just one year of marriage! It has been the most beautiful blessing of our lives. You've taught us so much, and our hearts have just grown bigger by the day. You see, I cannot remember what it was like BEFORE you were with us. Quieter? Calmer? Of course. A few days before you came to us, I had just written in my prayer journal, "Life is calm, we're just doing day-to-day..." Our stress then was Cheyenne kept chewing things up and I blamed your daddy for it. Well, I don't blame him as much anymore, but Cheyenne still has a way of getting into a trash can, doesn't she? Through all of this, we've learned that God had bigger plans for us than we'd ever imagined, and I know He'll use you for His kingdom too. Whenever you're scared or hurting, just hold fast to this verse, that has just resounded with me through this entire journey.
"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still." Exodus 14:14
You see, through this entire process, we've been here, but God has been here too. He's the one that orchestrated our beautiful story, and continues to battle for us, when we can't. He's the one that gives us strength on the craziest days, when we don't think we can keep going. He's the one that brought together this village of people who are helping us raise you and love you daily. Most of all, know that we love you so much, and God does too. He can help you through anything, even when you have no idea what He has planned for your life. We cannot wait to see how you grow and learn, and are so grateful God chose us on that cold March day 18 months ago.
Love always,
Mommy and Daddy
Dear friends, please join us in prayer for our family as we forego court proceedings in a few days. We know God is working hard for us, and cannot wait to see His plan unfold. Our journey isn't over; we believe it is just beginning.
