I was raised with certain expectations. Eat dinner politely at the table, ask to be excused, clear your plate, etc. (I also totally took an 8 week etiquette course when I was 5 years old, and recently found out I took the class with Lindsey Horner and Ashley Griggs, which is hilarious.) BUT. All I'm saying, is my momma taught me how to say please, thank you, and use all those lovely polite sayings us southern women like to use. She also taught me how to write a proper thank you note, and I still believe in them today. My children write them often, and I think a good old fashioned thank you note via snail mail goes a long way.
Let me give you some background. I'm not a stranger to adoption. I've been subjected to my fair share of friends/family members who have adopted children from all over. In fact, my best friend and her brother were adopted internationally. So here's what I've got for ya.
Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
They are precious in His sight,
Jesus loves the little children of the world.
Jesus loves all of them. I love me some kids. We all should love them. (I'm not preaching that everyone should have kids here, I'm just saying that every child deserves to feel loved and cherished by someone.) With that, I need to say this. Does it really matter that these children aren't our biological kids? I love them like they were in my womb. I don't care that they don't look a lick like me. They look some like Brandon. (They are from his side of the family, after all). They're both beautiful and healthy; what more could we ask for? But seriously, ya'll. I can't count the times people have asked me how young I was when I had them, and why they don't look like me.
Not only is this frustrating for me, I know for a fact its confusing for my children. Other foster/adoptive parents that are my friends have gone through this, and while you think comments like the following are cute, they're not.
"Oh, they must take after their father."
"Wow! He/she looks nothing like you."
"Why do they call you by your first name sometimes? That's so odd."
"You have HOW MANY kids?!"
"So...you're FOSTERING? Does that mean you're like....on government assistance?"
"Well, don't you want, you know, some of your OWN one day?"
"Why don't you stay home with them since you have so many appointments?"
"Why don't you stay home with them since you have so many appointments?"
Not only are those comments downright rude, they hurt. Luckily we have amazing family and friends who support us, no matter what our situation is, but good grief people. Have some decency. If you know me, you know I'm an open book. I guess I just feel this post is necessary maybe so someone will read it and think to themselves, "oh, I never thought of how those comments could make the foster/adoptive parents or their kids feel when I say them." (That is if I even have readers at this point in my blog journey.)
While I'm on this, I may as well address the $$ issue everyone wonders about. Yes, we get a small, small cash benefit on an EBT card every month. Do I use it? Of course. Will it pay for an entire week's worth of groceries? Nope. Have I gone through the Kroger line to get up there and it decline so I have to whip out my debit card? Yes. Multiple times. Do I get the ugly looks from others because I'm (usually) dressed nicely and my kids are as well? Definitely. I'm in no way complaining about the allowances we're given. I think its great. Something is better than nothing. Would I trade that small benefit every month to just call these kids ours forever? Uh....duh. Of course. All I'm saying is, please don't judge me. I used to be that person that LOATHED being stuck behind the EBT users. God sure is funny. Every person's situation is different, and you have no idea what that momma in the check out line at Kroger is going through.
Now. Do I think know people misuse those government benefits? Uhhh. Yeah. Is it fair to the children? Absolutely not. Please, do not judge me or get mad that I'm digging through my purse in search of a debit card (but instead keep pulling out suckers, yo-yos, play jewelry, and dinosaurs), just know that I truly am sorry. I most certainly will always apologize to the person behind me in line. To those of you who joke with my kids or make silly faces to keep them occupied while I'm having a war with the great abyss of my purse, thank you. Thanks for not making what is already a stressful trip to the grocery, even worse.
Friends, I'd love to be a stay at home mom. See how that's struck out there? Here's why. Do I love working as much as I have lately? No. My kids LOVE going to daycare though. They love seeing their friends in the summer. Granted, I do wish I could only work like 3 days a week, but right now, that just isn't feasible. If I stayed at home, my house would be cleaner, I'd probably be tanner, and the kids would probably be on a higher reading level. On the other hand, they wouldn't get to see their friends as much, or learn about Jesus with their peers daily. We'd also still be in an 800 square foot house bursting at the seams. Gotta do what you gotta do, people. They wouldn't learn to use table manners in the cafeteria, or how to stand in line like a big boy/girl. Being a SAHM is a wonderful choice, and its great for some families. For us, we choose to both work. We truly cherish our time with the kids and as a family. It seems we have finally learned how to make our family unit function well. We make it a priority to show our kids how much they're loved, and I hope that I'm a good example of what a working mother looks like. That if you want to go work and make a living, you sure can do so. I want our daughter to be independent and goal-oriented. Both of our kids had to kind of learn what that looks like, but it is makes my heart so happy to hear them talk about what they want to be when they grow up. I see how Issak looks at Brandon when he puts his boots on and goes to work, and friends, he's taking notes inside that little head of his. He's seeing what it looks like for a man to love and support his family daily. Its just fabulous. Dream big, sweet babes, dream big. I love their ambition and passion.
Lastly, please for the love of all the ice cream in the world, stop asking us if Brandon and I will ever birth any bio kids. Right now, we are really content. (Do I want one more? Yes. I go back and forth, but eventually, one more is a possibility.) I guess my point is, that's a decision Brandon and I will make later on down the road when we're ready. I have some pretty big health concerns that go along with pregnancy, so if we do have one more, it may be adopted. What I'm saying is, sometimes when I get this question, I feel a tiny twinge of guilt that our kids we have now aren't good enough. Now. I don't believe that for one second. That's just satan getting in there, trying to make me question God's plans. But regardless, that discussion is really hurtful to us. I'm pretty sure its safe for both of us to say to everyone, "Maybe we're done, maybe this is it." Please do not constantly badger us about bios, because really, we may not have any, and that's ok with us.
Now, I hope that this hasn't offended anyone, but ya'll. Please just remember to treat others how you want to be treated. Before something escapes your mouth, think about the effect it will have on not only the adults, but also the kids. If you're an outsider, meeting a foster/adoptive family for the first time, know that their family dynamics will probably be different. The children may not call the adults "mom and dad". In fact, half the time, we're "mom and dad" and the other half, we're "Brandon and Kira". Maybe that will change one day, maybe not. What I'm saying is, we don't care. So please, don't make a big deal out of something that is a non-issue to us.
Remember when you see that tired looking momma in the check out line, that she is a person. She can hear your whispers and feel your stares. She really probably just wants some sweet words. A little kindness goes a long way. If her children don't look like her, its not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Just remember that her kids need love just like any other kids, and she's doing an amazing job.
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