This Little Light of Mine

Last night, I got some news that I knew was inevitable, but nothing could have prepared me for it.  Really, writing this post, I have no idea where to start.  Maybe I should just start at the beginning. 

If you know me, you know I can't sit still.  I always have to be doing something.  So once we had been married awhile, I had a change in jobs and had gotten a little....bored.  Not bored with my husband, but bored because I love kids and my new job didn't allow me to be around them 24/7.  I needed some dance parties and Dollywood trips in my life.

So.  To cure the boredom, I decided to sign up for the Big Brother Big Sister of Knoxville program.  Its a mentoring program for underpriveleged kids who need an adult mentor to just lean on and love on them.  It took a little bit, but I got matched.  It took no time for us to hit it off, and before I knew it, we were spending practically every weekend together.  This sounds crazy, I'm sure, but seriously.  We were like family.  I think it can be said that I love others fiercely.  Love has no boundaries when it comes to me and kids.  I just love 'em.

So we did everything kids love.  We did Dollywood.  Train rides.  Dog park.  (She knew Cheyenne from when we first got her as a puppy and got to see her grow up.)  Jump Jam.  Pool.  Jewelry making night.  Movies.  River time in the Smoky Mountains.  Chick-Fil-A.  Skate Town.  Cookouts at my house.  The list goes on.  More than that though, we bonded.  We knew everything about each other.  She learned her ABC's in sign language to practice spelling words.  Spelling was not her favorite, and by 6 months in, she was calling me to tell me she had aced her spelling tests.  Math is her favorite subject, and somehow, no matter how many different schools she attended in a year, she still managed to have fantastic grades.  After a few months, I introduced her to Brandon, and they hit it off too.  He likes to dish out the silly and sarcasm, and oh how she could give it right back to him.  Listening to them was always entertaining.

Fast forward to last year when we got the kids.  My oh my, how they hit it off!  We spent many summer afternoons at the pool and park hanging out.  My kids love her.  She is so patient with them.  Just last weekend, she was running around my house like she owned the place, having a Nerf gun war.

Unfortunately, most of the kids in the BBBS program don't have an entirely stable home situation.  Remember, I love fiercely though, and just wanted to show some Jesus to this girl.  I wanted to show her there was more to life than chaos and an unpredictable home life.  Well.  I hope in the two years that we were matched, I did that.  I am so broken hearted to say that Haley has moved away.  To a different state, fairly far away.  I knew it would happen eventually, but I thought I would get a proper good-bye.  I didn't, but that doesn't really diminish my relationship with her.  I know that she knows I love her, and will miss her like crazy.  I can only pray that she and her siblings are well cared for in a loving, safe environment.  Maybe we'll see each other again someday.  Maybe not.  You just never know.  Until then, I will send her mail and silly photos the kids draw often, and pray for her daily.

When we got our kids, I had friends tell me, "Maybe this is what BBBS has prepared you for.  Real-deal, everyday motherhood.  Maybe seeing Haley, and her life, has empowered you to love more babies that you didn't birth."  I have to say.  God's plans are crazy.  I mean, I can see that connection.  God did show me how to open my heart and welcome a child who needed some love and attention, even though they weren't mine.  (Although, at this point, I would call Haley a member of my family.)  My extended family knew her, friends knew her....she hung out with us on a weekly basis.  I guess what I'm saying is, God's plans are so much bigger than ours.  I hope and pray that I was a light to her, showing her Jesus and how much He loves all of us here.  After all of this we've been through, all I can think of is this Sunday School song:

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine,

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine,

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Hide it under a bushel, NO!

I'm gonna let it shine,

Hide it under a bushel, NO!

I'm gonna let it shine,

Hide it under a busel, NO!

I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Don't let Satan blow it out,

I'm gonna let it shine,

Don't let Satan blow it out,

I'm gonna let it shine.

Don't let Satan blow it out,
I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Let it shine til Jesus comes,

I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it shine til Jesus comes,

I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it shine til Jesus comes,

I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Friends, today I really have to dig deep to find that strength to carry on.  I woke up not even wanting to face the day.  If I could've just pulled the covers up to hide under them in bed all day, I would've.  But the fact of the matter is, no matter how dim my light is today, its still gotta shine.  I've got babes to love on and care for, and a job that is calling my name. 

 

Do I regret loving so fiercely?  Absolutely not.  Will I miss my girl?  Every day.  Will it break my heart to tell the kids?  Definitely.  But we must press on.  We'll pray for her daily, and trust that she's being cared for well.